Favorite Jokes
74 posts
• Page 5 of 5 • 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
- Rhythmic
by Rhythmic » Thu Sep 30, 2004 9:28 am
True Newspaper Clippings
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
FREE PUPPIES: COCKER SPANIEL - SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED CALL CHUBBIE
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.
GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
BAR S SLICED BOLOGNA REGULAR OR TASTY SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2
OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
FREE PUPPIES: COCKER SPANIEL - SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED CALL CHUBBIE
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.
GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
BAR S SLICED BOLOGNA REGULAR OR TASTY SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2
OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.
- VlfPlyer
by VlfPlyer » Thu Sep 30, 2004 9:49 am
A little girl goes out to her dad in the the garage and says,
"Dad, may I take our dog Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come ask you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said,
"Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
*
*
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
"Dad, may I take our dog Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come ask you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said,
"Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
*
*
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
- VlfPlyer
by VlfPlyer » Fri Oct 01, 2004 12:44 pm
So Bob is tired of the busy life in the lower 48 states. So he quits his job and moves up into the wilds of Alaska to get away from it all.
His nearest neighbor was at least 10 miles away. He had never even met him until until one day when his new neighbor knocked on the door.
"Howdy I'm Eb", the neighbor said. "Wanna come over to my place? I'm gonna have a party".
Bob asked " so is there going to be stuff to eat?"
"Yep, sure will."
"Drinking?"
"Yep."
"Maybe getting laid? Cause I am sure am lonely and horny out here."
"Yep. Guarantee that."
"What should I wear?" Bob asked, all excited now.
Eb answered "I don't care. It'll be just you and me.":lol:
- VlfPlyer
ALASKA JOKE #2
by VlfPlyer » Fri Oct 01, 2004 1:05 pm
Last one for me - gotta get some work done sometime today--------------
2nd Alaskan joke:
Warning
Not politically correct:
=====================
Again Bob is tired of the busy life in the lower 48 states. So he quits his job and moves up into the wilds of Alaska to get away from it all. His nearest neighbor was at least 10 miles away. And Bob wanted to keep it that way
But he was still lonely and horny.
Bob went on his monthly visit to the nearest town. He asked the owner of the general store " Are there any women around these parts that a guy could get lucky with?"
"Nope", said the store owner. "They ain't no womenfolk for over 100 miles from here. But there's 'ol Joe in the back of the store. He'd take care of you."
"No way!" Bob said. " I don't go for that shit!"
Another month goes by, Bob goes into town and asked the same question to the same store owner. Same answer, " Well theres 'ol Joe in the back."
Same response. "No way!" Bob said. " I don't go for that shit!"
Finally after the 3rd month Bob comes in town. He asked the store owner- "So if I was to go into the back with 'ol Joe, who all would know about that?"
"Well lets see now...... There's you, me, 'ol Joe ........and five other guys."
"Five other guys!" Why would they need to know about that?"
"Well to hold down 'ol Joe. He don't go for that shit either!"
2nd Alaskan joke:
Warning
Not politically correct:
=====================
Again Bob is tired of the busy life in the lower 48 states. So he quits his job and moves up into the wilds of Alaska to get away from it all. His nearest neighbor was at least 10 miles away. And Bob wanted to keep it that way
But he was still lonely and horny.
Bob went on his monthly visit to the nearest town. He asked the owner of the general store " Are there any women around these parts that a guy could get lucky with?"
"Nope", said the store owner. "They ain't no womenfolk for over 100 miles from here. But there's 'ol Joe in the back of the store. He'd take care of you."
"No way!" Bob said. " I don't go for that shit!"
Another month goes by, Bob goes into town and asked the same question to the same store owner. Same answer, " Well theres 'ol Joe in the back."
Same response. "No way!" Bob said. " I don't go for that shit!"
Finally after the 3rd month Bob comes in town. He asked the store owner- "So if I was to go into the back with 'ol Joe, who all would know about that?"
"Well lets see now...... There's you, me, 'ol Joe ........and five other guys."
"Five other guys!" Why would they need to know about that?"
"Well to hold down 'ol Joe. He don't go for that shit either!"
- Rhythmic
by Rhythmic » Fri Oct 01, 2004 2:06 pm
Rules For Employment
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
- Keekanoo
by Keekanoo » Sun Oct 03, 2004 4:59 pm
This isn't one of my favourites, but it's one of the few ones I can remember.
An Amish family, recently moved to a large city from their pastoral farming community, settles in a quaint home near their furniture business.
To celebrate their move, the father goes to the local market to purchase a large ham. He is appalled by a sign above the meat merchants display reading 'Clive Dammed--best cuts in town', but realizes it's just a foreign name with no actual religious connotations. He inspects the meats and decides they are of excellant quality and buys one of the largest hams in the display.
Later that evening, as the father is listening, with some misgivings, to the tales of his children talking about things that happened at the 'heathen school' that day, his wife delivers to the table a magnificent meal, and as the centerpiece the delicious ham.
The father says grace then, raising his plate says, "Mother, pass me some of that Dammed ham."
His son brightens up and says "That's the spirit pop! Pass the fucken' potatoes!"
An Amish family, recently moved to a large city from their pastoral farming community, settles in a quaint home near their furniture business.
To celebrate their move, the father goes to the local market to purchase a large ham. He is appalled by a sign above the meat merchants display reading 'Clive Dammed--best cuts in town', but realizes it's just a foreign name with no actual religious connotations. He inspects the meats and decides they are of excellant quality and buys one of the largest hams in the display.
Later that evening, as the father is listening, with some misgivings, to the tales of his children talking about things that happened at the 'heathen school' that day, his wife delivers to the table a magnificent meal, and as the centerpiece the delicious ham.
The father says grace then, raising his plate says, "Mother, pass me some of that Dammed ham."
His son brightens up and says "That's the spirit pop! Pass the fucken' potatoes!"
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