Fri Feb 02, 2007 9:46 am
Chinese Sick Leave
I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really
sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When
I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes
everything better and I go to work. You try that.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great.
I be at work soon......... You got nice house."
I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really
sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When
I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes
everything better and I go to work. You try that.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great.
I be at work soon......... You got nice house."
Fri Feb 02, 2007 8:34 pm
owned
Fri Feb 02, 2007 10:59 pm
There's a boy who got beaten by his entire family, when social services found out they got him taken away from his family. He had to be put into care because his entire family beat him. So they ask him "who would you like to take care of you". He says "The England cricket team, because they can't beat anyone"
Mon Feb 05, 2007 8:19 pm
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"
Tue Feb 06, 2007 8:08 pm
Bill and Tom are getting trashed at a bar when Tom vomits on himself. "Oh no", he says. "My wife is gonna kill me!"
"Don't worry." replies Bill. "Just tuck a twenty in your pocket and tell her someone threw up on you and gave you money for dry cleaning"
They stay a while and get even drunker. When Tom stumbles home, his wife screams, "You reek of booze, and you've puked on yourself!"
"I only had a few drinks," Tom slurs. "This other guy got sick on me, and he gave me 20 bucks for the cleaning bill."
His wife looks in his pocket and says, "But this is 40 bucks."
"Oh yeah, I nearly forgot," says Tom. "He shit my pants too"
"Don't worry." replies Bill. "Just tuck a twenty in your pocket and tell her someone threw up on you and gave you money for dry cleaning"
They stay a while and get even drunker. When Tom stumbles home, his wife screams, "You reek of booze, and you've puked on yourself!"
"I only had a few drinks," Tom slurs. "This other guy got sick on me, and he gave me 20 bucks for the cleaning bill."
His wife looks in his pocket and says, "But this is 40 bucks."
"Oh yeah, I nearly forgot," says Tom. "He shit my pants too"
Thu Feb 08, 2007 5:05 pm
Donald Rumsfield reports to George Bush over breakfast that four Brazilian troops died in Iraq.. George spits out his coffee and says: "Four Brazilian, how many million is that?"
Thu Feb 08, 2007 9:33 pm
hahahhahahaa
Thu Feb 15, 2007 9:25 pm
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
...She's Such A Bitch.
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
...She's Such A Bitch.
Fri Feb 16, 2007 2:22 pm
Sat Feb 17, 2007 12:01 am
In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any
stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to single
digits or below.
About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded
to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck
.
He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still
running.
Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper
walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the
wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on he seat beside him.
The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window.
Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State
Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked.
He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas.
The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was
still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.
Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to
the speeding, but still stationary car.
The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually
keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper
yelled, "Pull over!"
The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine.
Needless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is
probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who
could run 50 miles per hour."
Who says Trooper's don't have a sense of humor?
stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to single
digits or below.
About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded
to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck
.
He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still
running.
Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper
walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the
wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on he seat beside him.
The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window.
Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State
Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked.
He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas.
The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was
still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.
Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to
the speeding, but still stationary car.
The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually
keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper
yelled, "Pull over!"
The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine.
Needless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is
probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who
could run 50 miles per hour."
Who says Trooper's don't have a sense of humor?
Sat Feb 17, 2007 12:15 am
Sat Feb 17, 2007 5:26 pm
hahahaaaa
Sat Feb 17, 2007 11:22 pm
HILARIOUS!!!!!!
Sun Feb 18, 2007 10:58 am
During the French Revolution a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.
The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention -- so he's let go.
The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.
They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day Bob and Tom were walking down the street when Tom said, 'You know I took skydiving lessons last week.'
'Really,' said Bob in amazement, 'How did it go?'
'Well the week started out alright while we were in the class learning the basics. But then Wednesday rolled around and it came time to take our first jump.'
'And?' Bob asked.
'Well I was the last one to jump but when I got to the door I couldn't do it. So the instructor told me 'you had better jump out of this goddamm plane before I stick my dik right up your @ss.'
'Well did you jump?' asked Bob.
'Yeah, a little.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Licken to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Licken tried to warn the farmer. She read, " . . . and so Chicken Licken went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused, and then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: "Holy sh*t! A talking chicken!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention -- so he's let go.
The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.
They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day Bob and Tom were walking down the street when Tom said, 'You know I took skydiving lessons last week.'
'Really,' said Bob in amazement, 'How did it go?'
'Well the week started out alright while we were in the class learning the basics. But then Wednesday rolled around and it came time to take our first jump.'
'And?' Bob asked.
'Well I was the last one to jump but when I got to the door I couldn't do it. So the instructor told me 'you had better jump out of this goddamm plane before I stick my dik right up your @ss.'
'Well did you jump?' asked Bob.
'Yeah, a little.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Licken to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Licken tried to warn the farmer. She read, " . . . and so Chicken Licken went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused, and then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: "Holy sh*t! A talking chicken!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.