The lets continue this thread...

Vincent Vega was standing over me. "Holy shit, man, that was close!"

"If you died, Mr. Wallace would not be happy with me." said Vincent.

"Damn! I can't even kill myself right. What's next? Fucking up a wet dream? And isn't Vincent Vega dead?" I thought.

Looking at my surroundings, I saw....

.. a big juicy guava...

Not knowing what a juicy guava is, I chucked it at the ground and looked up to the sky, pondering.....

Is it a fruit? Would it taste good in a smoothie? I really need to take a shower - I'm starting to reek!

I turned around and headed for the shower in the house...

too bad I only have a bathtub and a pumice stone. Oh well, guess I'll be picking pubes out of that thing for the next couple days...

After wearing the dirt away with the stone, and bandaging up any places where I got a little "overzealous", I felt refreshed and decided to go check my random genetic experiment generator. The results of that thing were sometimes funny, sometimes scary. Sylvester Stallone was one. So was Sam Kinnison. The worst was Courtney Love, though. It's kind of one of those things that you wish you could de-invent (Courtney Love).

When I walked into the room with the generator, I saw...

.. A BIG BLENDER ,SOME ICE,RUM... WHAT IS THIS I THOUGHT ONLY IF I HAD SOME JUICY FRUIT I WOULD MAKE A SMOOTHIE....

I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that
odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to
look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His
name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really
bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed.
Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at
high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the
spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead.
Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn
cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked
like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for
a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real
bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want
to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so
it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor
wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet
one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the
frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like
them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in
the genitals.

I like monkeys

... THEN I AWOKE REALIZING I HAD PASSED OUT FROM A SUGAR-LOW, AND HAD THE CRAZY MONKEY DREAM.THANK GOD WHAT WOULD I DO WITH 200 MONKEYS? ANYWAYS, I CRAWLED OUTSIDE AND RETRIEVED THE JUICY GUAVA FROM THE GROUND ,WITH GUAVA IN HAND I......

...realized I had no tequila schnapps, plus I had forgotten to turn ON my genetic experiment generator, which is why it was so quiet in here...

So I went to the kitchen to retrieve the schnapps, went back and proceeded to make myself a kiwi-tequila shnapps-guava-guano-whole wheat-pickle-vanilla-salsa smoothie... Ahhh, just like mom used to make, maybe just a couple more dills... there! perfect!

With my delicious smoothie still churning warmly into my small intestine, I decided to look on the experiment generator again. I walked in and saw...

..I saw,.. I couldnt believe what I was seeing, it was Zog doing the funky chicken while kicking noob Wolfplayers from the server . Hmmm I thought this was somehow familar so I....

[Jeffro]

Originally posted by LadyDeathstrike
..I saw,.. I couldnt believe what I was seeing, it was Zog doing the funky chicken while kicking noob Wolfplayers from the server . Hmmm I thought this was somehow familar so I....

...asked him what the fuck was he doing, kicked him in the nuts, and then...

...I said I was sorry and threw him an ice pack fresh from the freezer. When zog finally caught his breath he grabed the ice and asked me WTF did you do that for. I stated that the funky chicken was the wrong dance to be doing. Zog said "I do what I want!" I saw and knew he wasn't feeling well so I let it slide and left the room. I was in the mood for.......

[SavageParrot]

a really satisfying shit

After taking the Browns to the Super Bowl. I decided it was time to head downtown, to look for some love. I pulled up next to the curb and started to talk to a nice lady. She said, "Hey Honey". I replied, "Sup baby, looking all smooth standing on the corner at 3 in the morning and shit. You cold baby? You wanna use me as a blanket?" The nice lady replied, "I'm just doing my thing". I asked, "Well does doing your thing mean your trickin? Cuz I'd like to invest some of my hard-earned money to the love industry, if you know what I'm getting at." She asked, "Well how much you got big man" Flipping out my stash, I replied, "I'm willing to drop fifty dollars on your ass, but there is a condition going on." "Oh, whats that", the nice lady askedd. I said, "You gonna have to put those luscious lips of yours on my slubadub." The nice lady perked up and said "ooh I can do that"! Puzzled, I asked, "you can...you mean you aren't going to make fun of the fact that I called my gizagaza a slubadub?" "Honey, you can call your thing whatever you want as long as you gots fifty bucks." The nice lady said smiling. I reach for my pants and tell the nice lady "well say, alright then, heres the fifty dollars and here's my flip-stick, start wetting that thing up!" The nice lady then looked very angry and shouted at me, "Sir you are under arrest!" Shocked I yelled, "What? You gotta be messing with my mind! What, you are going to arrest my ass for trying to get a ride on my slipe and slide"? The nice officer lady replied, "Hey pervert when you get to jail you are going to be on the other end of a slipe and slide and I hope you enjoy it."
After posting bail, I decided it was time to go home...

.....and take a shower. As the water falls on my head I think back and think what else could go wrong today. After my 30 minute shower, felling slightly better. I went to the kitchen to get some food. I relized that I haven't eaten yet today.When I opened the fridge I saw......