Joke Time!
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- Colonel Ingus
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Joke Time!
by Colonel Ingus » Tue Feb 22, 2005 12:42 pm
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single.
"The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single.
"The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." ... Benjamin Franklin
- SavageParrot
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- Posts: 10599
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- Location: Cheltenham, England
by DocTrebor » Tue Feb 22, 2005 1:18 pm
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:
Officer: What's 2 + 2?
Blonde: Ummm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
An Asian man walks into a New York Currency Exchange with 2000 yen. He receives $72.00 in American currency. The following week, the same Asian man walks into the same currency exchange. He again exchanges 2000 yen. This time, he receives $66.00 in American currency. The Asian man doesn't understand why he received less money, so he asks the clerk, "Why less money when same 2000 yen"
The clerk replies, "Fluctuations." As the Asian man prepares to leave, he turns, looks at the clerk and angrily says, "Fluck you Amelicans, too!"
Officer: What's 2 + 2?
Blonde: Ummm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
An Asian man walks into a New York Currency Exchange with 2000 yen. He receives $72.00 in American currency. The following week, the same Asian man walks into the same currency exchange. He again exchanges 2000 yen. This time, he receives $66.00 in American currency. The Asian man doesn't understand why he received less money, so he asks the clerk, "Why less money when same 2000 yen"
The clerk replies, "Fluctuations." As the Asian man prepares to leave, he turns, looks at the clerk and angrily says, "Fluck you Amelicans, too!"
by DocTrebor » Thu Feb 24, 2005 6:54 pm
bump
A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.
The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"
"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."
A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.
The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"
"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."
by Sabres » Thu Feb 24, 2005 8:54 pm
haha these are good. I should revive my old thread I started for jokes. There were a couple good pages of quality jokes but then it died. I think the thread was called "Favorite Jokes" in the Smokin Room
by DocTrebor » Fri Feb 25, 2005 1:35 am
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any underwear......."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man replied, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any underwear......."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man replied, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
- |RS|Economy
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- Posts: 189
- Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2004 12:53 pm
- Location: East Coast
by |RS|Economy » Sat Feb 26, 2005 7:28 pm
All those jokes were great... I wish i knew some clean jokes. If I told mine, I would get banned from E.C.G.N prolly
- COL.BUKKAKE
by COL.BUKKAKE » Sat Feb 26, 2005 7:47 pm
A man entered his favorite restaurant and sat at his regular table. After looking around, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He motioned the waiter over and aked him to send their most expensive bottle of Merlot over to the woman, knowing that if she accepted the bottle, she would be his.
The waiter too the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million doillars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants". After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.
It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over 20 million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back bitch!"
The waiter too the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million doillars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants". After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.
It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over 20 million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back bitch!"
by Jeffro » Sat Feb 26, 2005 9:06 pm
»At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
the
»books of a synagogue.
»While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I
notice
»you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
»
»"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back
to
»the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
»candles."
»
»"0h," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question
»had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
»
»"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs?"
»
»"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying
to
»trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send
them
»back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free
box of
»matzos."
»
»"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could
fluster the
»know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with
all the
»leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
»
»"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save
up
»all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once c
year
»thev send us a complete dick like vou."
the
»books of a synagogue.
»While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I
notice
»you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
»
»"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back
to
»the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
»candles."
»
»"0h," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question
»had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
»
»"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs?"
»
»"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying
to
»trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send
them
»back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free
box of
»matzos."
»
»"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could
fluster the
»know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with
all the
»leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
»
»"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save
up
»all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once c
year
»thev send us a complete dick like vou."
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- |RS|Economy
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- Posts: 189
- Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2004 12:53 pm
- Location: East Coast
by |RS|Economy » Sat Feb 26, 2005 11:59 pm
not really a joke...but kinda funny...view only if you are over 18 please........http://fotm.rotten.com/fotm/i-cant-breathe.html
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