Joke thread
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- Hunter/Killer
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- Posts: 797
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- Location: Central Mass
Joke thread
by Hunter/Killer » Fri Aug 26, 2005 1:57 pm
An Indian boy walks up to his dad and says:
Boy: Father, how do Indian children get their names?
Father: Well, when an Indian child is born the father steps out of the teepee and the first thing he see he names the child after. When you brother was born I stepped out and saw an Eagle attacking a rabbit so I named him Hunting Eagle. When your sister was born I stepped out and saw a female deer running across the field so I named her Running Doe. Why do you ask my son Two Dogs Fucking?
Add to the thread.
Boy: Father, how do Indian children get their names?
Father: Well, when an Indian child is born the father steps out of the teepee and the first thing he see he names the child after. When you brother was born I stepped out and saw an Eagle attacking a rabbit so I named him Hunting Eagle. When your sister was born I stepped out and saw a female deer running across the field so I named her Running Doe. Why do you ask my son Two Dogs Fucking?
Add to the thread.
[ECGN] Hunter/Killer
BF2 Admin
BF2 Admin
Originally posted by Hat Rack
A hole to hide in would really help!
- ||ASS||Mortimer
- Posts: 332
- Joined: Thu Jan 01, 2004 10:21 am
- Location: Virginia Beach,VA
by ||ASS||Mortimer » Fri Aug 26, 2005 2:14 pm
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters to no one in particular . . .
"Well, I guess we answered THAT question !!! "
The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters to no one in particular . . .
"Well, I guess we answered THAT question !!! "
by DocTrebor » Fri Aug 26, 2005 3:42 pm
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."
by DocTrebor » Fri Aug 26, 2005 3:43 pm
A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.
"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."
Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.
"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."
- ||ASS||Mortimer
- Posts: 332
- Joined: Thu Jan 01, 2004 10:21 am
- Location: Virginia Beach,VA
by ||ASS||Mortimer » Fri Aug 26, 2005 4:35 pm
A man gets a good job at some up and coming business. He starts work on Tuesday and works really hard. His boss is impressed.
On Monday he calls in and says "I'm sick." His boss says fine, don't worry, come in tomorrow. He works really hard the rest of the week and his boss is impressed.
But the next Monday he calls in and says "I'm sick." His boss thinks it's a bit odd that the man is sick two Mondays in a row, but tells him not to worry about it, just to come in tomorrow. The man works really hard the rest of the week and the boss is impressed.
On the third Monday the guy calls in and says "I'm sick." The boss, thinking he's got a weekend alcoholic on his hands, tells him to come in tomorrow. When the guy comes in he tells him he needs to talk with him.
"You're a hard worker," the boss says, "but every Monday you call in sick. What is going on?"
The man tells him,"It's my sister. She's going through a really bad divorce and is very depressed. On Monday I go over to her house to cheer her up and we end up making wild passionate love!"
"That's disgusting!" snarls the boss.
"Yeah," the man says, "I told you I was sick."
On Monday he calls in and says "I'm sick." His boss says fine, don't worry, come in tomorrow. He works really hard the rest of the week and his boss is impressed.
But the next Monday he calls in and says "I'm sick." His boss thinks it's a bit odd that the man is sick two Mondays in a row, but tells him not to worry about it, just to come in tomorrow. The man works really hard the rest of the week and the boss is impressed.
On the third Monday the guy calls in and says "I'm sick." The boss, thinking he's got a weekend alcoholic on his hands, tells him to come in tomorrow. When the guy comes in he tells him he needs to talk with him.
"You're a hard worker," the boss says, "but every Monday you call in sick. What is going on?"
The man tells him,"It's my sister. She's going through a really bad divorce and is very depressed. On Monday I go over to her house to cheer her up and we end up making wild passionate love!"
"That's disgusting!" snarls the boss.
"Yeah," the man says, "I told you I was sick."
by Gen. Ouch » Fri Aug 26, 2005 5:14 pm
thats nasty, lol
little jonny is sitting on a bench eating a bad of chocolate bars, when this old man walks over and sits beside him, the old man wathces is awe and says "I don't think eating all those is very good for you sonny" little jonny looks over at the man and says "well my grandad lived to be a hundred and three, and the old man says "did he eat alot of chocolate bars" and little jonny says "no, but he minded his own fucking business"
little jonny is sitting on a bench eating a bad of chocolate bars, when this old man walks over and sits beside him, the old man wathces is awe and says "I don't think eating all those is very good for you sonny" little jonny looks over at the man and says "well my grandad lived to be a hundred and three, and the old man says "did he eat alot of chocolate bars" and little jonny says "no, but he minded his own fucking business"
The Ouch man cometh
*BONG*GeneralOuch
I thank God for this sig....
*BONG*GeneralOuch
I thank God for this sig....
- ||ASS||Mortimer
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- Location: Virginia Beach,VA
by ||ASS||Mortimer » Fri Aug 26, 2005 5:56 pm
LOL...That's pretty good...
A ventriloquist is performing his act in front of a crowd in Montgomery, Alabama. He runs through his set, ridiculing rednecks for being stupid, drunk, inbreeding yokels in general and Alabama in particular for about an hour and a half. He is not well received.
Once he finishes up, a burly and very upset looking guy saunters up and says heatedly
" I listened to your act and didn't appreciate the way you were running down our culture and our country ways. My family has lived in Montgomery since before the Civil War. I was born right here, in this town, and lived here until I went away to Auburn University, where I graduated summa cum laude. I've been practicing law here for over 15 years. I love this people, I love my land, and stars fell on the great state of ALABAMA! I think the two of us need to take a walk outside."
The ventriloquest, terrified, stammers "But sir, those were only jokes, I......
"You stay out of this!" the man shouts, "This is between me and that little fucker on your leg!"
A ventriloquist is performing his act in front of a crowd in Montgomery, Alabama. He runs through his set, ridiculing rednecks for being stupid, drunk, inbreeding yokels in general and Alabama in particular for about an hour and a half. He is not well received.
Once he finishes up, a burly and very upset looking guy saunters up and says heatedly
" I listened to your act and didn't appreciate the way you were running down our culture and our country ways. My family has lived in Montgomery since before the Civil War. I was born right here, in this town, and lived here until I went away to Auburn University, where I graduated summa cum laude. I've been practicing law here for over 15 years. I love this people, I love my land, and stars fell on the great state of ALABAMA! I think the two of us need to take a walk outside."
The ventriloquest, terrified, stammers "But sir, those were only jokes, I......
"You stay out of this!" the man shouts, "This is between me and that little fucker on your leg!"
- gowhitesox99
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- Posts: 4207
- Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2003 10:23 am
- Location: Owning a 9 second import is like coming out of the closet. At first you surprise everyone, but in th
by gowhitesox99 » Sat Aug 27, 2005 8:06 am
You hear about the new pirate movie? It's rated ARRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHH
Weasel!!
;
;- cavalierlwt
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- Posts: 2840
- Joined: Thu Feb 13, 2003 12:54 pm
by cavalierlwt » Sat Aug 27, 2005 10:59 am
Alright, here's a dumb one.
A father, mother, and two sons stop into their local family restaurant one afternoon. The waitress asks for their order and the oldest son goes first, he says "I'll have a milkshake, some fries, and big ole fucking cheeseburger 'cuz I'm hungry as shit!"
Upon hearing him swear, the Father jumps up, grabs the oldest son and knocks him clean out. After an uncomfortable moment passes, the waitress turns to the younger son and says, "what would you like?"
The younger son take one look at his brother lying on the floor and says "Well, I'm not sure yet, but I sure as hell ain't gonna order no fucking cheeseburger!"
A father, mother, and two sons stop into their local family restaurant one afternoon. The waitress asks for their order and the oldest son goes first, he says "I'll have a milkshake, some fries, and big ole fucking cheeseburger 'cuz I'm hungry as shit!"
Upon hearing him swear, the Father jumps up, grabs the oldest son and knocks him clean out. After an uncomfortable moment passes, the waitress turns to the younger son and says, "what would you like?"
The younger son take one look at his brother lying on the floor and says "Well, I'm not sure yet, but I sure as hell ain't gonna order no fucking cheeseburger!"
Failing to plead
with a throat full of dust
Life falls asleep
in a fetal position.
with a throat full of dust
Life falls asleep
in a fetal position.
by Namloot » Sat Aug 27, 2005 3:54 pm
I have this one haning around in my funny files:
Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse
fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need
a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted
by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examin-
ing the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger
and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of
the mouse. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off
method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excess-
ive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used
immediately.
It is recommended that each service rep have a pair of spare
balls for maintainig optimum customer satisfaction. Any custo-
mer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of remov-
ing these necessary items.
To re-order, specify one of the following:
P/N 33F8468 - Domestic Mouse Balls
P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls
Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse
fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need
a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted
by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examin-
ing the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger
and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of
the mouse. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off
method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excess-
ive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used
immediately.
It is recommended that each service rep have a pair of spare
balls for maintainig optimum customer satisfaction. Any custo-
mer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of remov-
ing these necessary items.
To re-order, specify one of the following:
P/N 33F8468 - Domestic Mouse Balls
P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls
- Darkened-past
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- Posts: 55
- Joined: Thu Dec 30, 2004 11:12 pm
- Location: New York
by Darkened-past » Sun Aug 28, 2005 2:03 am
It was a mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing dress.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing dress.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
- Hunter/Killer
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- Posts: 797
- Joined: Wed Mar 12, 2003 11:35 am
- Location: Central Mass
by Hunter/Killer » Mon Aug 29, 2005 2:17 pm
Subject: God and Motorcycles
The founder of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died
and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "You've been a good man
and your motorcycles have changed the world. Your reward is, you can hang out
with anyone you want in Heaven."
?
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with
God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God
recognized Arthur and commented, "So you were the one who invented the Harley
Davidson motorcycles, eh?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."
God commented, "Well, what's the big deal about inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the
inventor of woman?"
God said, "A! h, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "Professional to professional, you have some major design
flaws in your invention: There's too much inconsistency in the front-end
protrusion. It chatters constantly at high speeds. Most of the rear ends are too
soft and wobble too much. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. And
the maintenance costs are outrageous!"
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for
the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but
according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
The founder of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died
and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "You've been a good man
and your motorcycles have changed the world. Your reward is, you can hang out
with anyone you want in Heaven."
?
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with
God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God
recognized Arthur and commented, "So you were the one who invented the Harley
Davidson motorcycles, eh?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."
God commented, "Well, what's the big deal about inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the
inventor of woman?"
God said, "A! h, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "Professional to professional, you have some major design
flaws in your invention: There's too much inconsistency in the front-end
protrusion. It chatters constantly at high speeds. Most of the rear ends are too
soft and wobble too much. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. And
the maintenance costs are outrageous!"
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for
the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but
according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
[ECGN] Hunter/Killer
BF2 Admin
BF2 Admin
Originally posted by Hat Rack
A hole to hide in would really help!
20 posts
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