Mort's joke of the week
- ||ASS||Mortimer
- Posts: 332
- Joined: Thu Jan 01, 2004 10:21 am
- Location: Virginia Beach,VA
Mort's joke of the week
by ||ASS||Mortimer » Fri Sep 23, 2005 12:37 pm
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was Intrigued by
the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, You're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was Intrigued by
the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, You're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
by Rand0m » Fri Sep 23, 2005 3:14 pm
good one
heres another.
A guy was running along the beach one morning and found a girl crying. The girl was in a wheel chair and had no arms and no legs. He went up to the girl and asked "why are you crying". She replid "well you see I've never been kissed by a man". So he bent down and kissed the girl and then went on his way. The next day while he was running along the beach he saw her again and she was crying yet again. He asks her "why are you crying this time". She says "I've never made love, well had sex with a man". He replies "don't worry you'll find someone". So he was on his way again. Finally the next morning while on the beach he sees the girl crying again and asks here "why are you crying today". She tells him "well I've never been fucked". So the man picks her up and walks with her down to the water and then throws her in the water and says "your fucked now!"
one more;
A new inmate at the prison was lying on his bunk at lights out.
After a while, he heard someone say "Number 24", there erupted laughter from all over the prison. A little bit later, someone shouted "Number 12", and again, laughter roared thru the prison, even the guards laughed.
This went on for quite some time, and the new inmate could stand it no longer, he inquired of his elderly cell-mate, "Why is everyone laughing at people quoting numbers?"
The old-timer replied, "Well, young fella, we have all been in here so long, and heard each other's jokes so many times, we assigned them numbers, saves a lot of time."
The new guy thought for a moment, and then shouted out "Number 19", nothing.
the crickets even stopped chirping.
He asked the old man, "What happened? Everyone laughed at them when the other guys told them, why didn't they laugh at mine?"
The old-timer looked at him and said, "Well, young fella, some can tell em, and some can't."
guess these would be rand0ms two jokes of the week
- Darkened-past
-
- Posts: 55
- Joined: Thu Dec 30, 2004 11:12 pm
- Location: New York
by Darkened-past » Fri Sep 23, 2005 8:57 pm
good one rand0m
heres another
A woman desperately looking for work goes to the Tickle Me Elmo Factory. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets that he has no jobs worthy of her skills. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything.
The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" assembly line. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in at 8:00 AM the next day. The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" Assembly Line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After listening to his screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he show him the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to Kingdom Come. Right at the end of the line is the woman he had hired. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager starts laughing hysterically and finally after several minutes of rolling laughter he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."
heres another
A woman desperately looking for work goes to the Tickle Me Elmo Factory. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets that he has no jobs worthy of her skills. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything.
The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" assembly line. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in at 8:00 AM the next day. The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" Assembly Line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After listening to his screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he show him the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to Kingdom Come. Right at the end of the line is the woman he had hired. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager starts laughing hysterically and finally after several minutes of rolling laughter he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."
by Rand0m » Fri Sep 23, 2005 10:00 pm
Originally posted by Darkened-past
good one rand0m
heres another
A woman desperately looking for work goes to the Tickle Me Elmo Factory. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets that he has no jobs worthy of her skills. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything.
The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" assembly line. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in at 8:00 AM the next day. The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" Assembly Line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After listening to his screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he show him the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to Kingdom Come. Right at the end of the line is the woman he had hired. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager starts laughing hysterically and finally after several minutes of rolling laughter he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."
thats a good oneby Rand0m » Fri Sep 23, 2005 10:14 pm
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Crown Royal whisky and women with big tits."
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Crown Royal whisky and women with big tits."
- Manco
by Manco » Sat Sep 24, 2005 3:06 pm
how about this:
Two cowboys are riding along in the desert and come across an Indian lying stark naked in the sun. The Indian has an enormous hard-on.
"What the hell are you doing, son," asks one cowboy.
"I am finding out what time it is using my dick." replied the Indian.
"OK smart guy, what time is it." asks the other cowboy.
The Indian studies his dick for a minute and says, "It's two o'clock precisely." One of the cowboys pulls out his watch and discovers that the Indian is exactly correct.
The cowboys ride off, remarking to each other how amazing the Indian was.
About an hour or so later they come across the same Indian lying naked in the sun with a hard-on. Thinking that the first time was a fluke, they ask him what time it is again. The Indian tells them it is 3:45 and upon checking their watch, find out he is correct again. They ride off shaking their heads.
The come across the same Indian again a few hours later, by now the sun is going down and they think they have him this time. As they ride closer, they see that the Indian is furiously beating off.
"What in the sam hell are you doing now?" they cry.
"Winding my watch," the Indian replies.
Two cowboys are riding along in the desert and come across an Indian lying stark naked in the sun. The Indian has an enormous hard-on.
"What the hell are you doing, son," asks one cowboy.
"I am finding out what time it is using my dick." replied the Indian.
"OK smart guy, what time is it." asks the other cowboy.
The Indian studies his dick for a minute and says, "It's two o'clock precisely." One of the cowboys pulls out his watch and discovers that the Indian is exactly correct.
The cowboys ride off, remarking to each other how amazing the Indian was.
About an hour or so later they come across the same Indian lying naked in the sun with a hard-on. Thinking that the first time was a fluke, they ask him what time it is again. The Indian tells them it is 3:45 and upon checking their watch, find out he is correct again. They ride off shaking their heads.
The come across the same Indian again a few hours later, by now the sun is going down and they think they have him this time. As they ride closer, they see that the Indian is furiously beating off.
"What in the sam hell are you doing now?" they cry.
"Winding my watch," the Indian replies.
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