old dennis leary
4 posts
• Page 1 of 1
old dennis leary
by jingleBoy » Fri Feb 16, 2007 7:03 pm
This country was founded on two things: meat and war. They came together during the Persian Gulf crisis in my living room. You know how I watched that war break out? Naked in my living room with a can of Budweiser and a plate of meat with the war live on TV! I was walkin' around with a boner and a cheeseburger on the end goin', "Yeah! We kicked the s..t out of a country the size of Rhode Island and I feel pretty good about it. Let's take Connecticut next, c'mon. Martha's Vineyard! Free cheeseburgers for everybody!" Vietnam vets must have been real happy about that war. They put in fifteen years of toil, sweat and blood. They come home and they're treated like s..t. These guys are over there for fifteen minutes. They come home. There's victory parades and souvenir hats and TV specials. If I were a Vietnam vet, I would have been down at that victory parade with a pocketful of hand grenades and an Uzi just strafing the crowd. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM! "Hey! Whaddaya doing?" (Searching for a way out) "It's a flashback!" BLAM! BLAM! BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM! "They all look like Kong to me." I'll tell you something. It's a stupid feeling but we've got to enjoy it while we can, okay? Because when was the last time we really kicked some ass in a war? A long time ago, so let's enjoy the feeling. Let's take advantage of it.
We have souvenir shops in airports where you can buy Persian Gulf hats and Schwarzkopf T-shirts and f*** Saddam buttons. Where were the Vietnam souvenir shops? "Yeah. I'll have a land mine, two severed legs and a can of Agent Orange, please?"
We were hungry for a war, weren't we? We wanted that American macho image back, and we got it. We've been bummed out for years about our image. We invented the space shuttle. It was our weapon of the future. No one else had one. And then -- tragedy. I think we all felt the same when the space shuttle blew up. I think we all thought the same thought when we found out it had exploded: "Damn! I forgot to set my VCR. Now I'm gonna have to borrow the tape."
We really think we're going to Mars. The government believes this. I love that line of logic. (Official government voice) "Don't worry about the ozone or cancer or AIDS. We ruined this planet. No problem. We'll just move to Mars." Yeah, right. And take all our problems with us. Get there. Build our bubble. Live under it for a few years and then: "f***' antenna-heads. They get cable for free! Next thing you know, they'll wanna play baseball too."
Mars. Sure it would be hot. But you'd be able to light your cigarette right off the ground. (Hops from foot to foot and bends down to press end of cigarette to stage) Ahhh.
The thing that still sticks with me about the space shuttle explosion is the people who were there watching it go up live. The parents, the kids? Those poor kids. They had some of that teacher's students flown down for the gig. And these poor innocent kids are watching the thing go up, waving their little American flags. That was the saddest and at the same time funniest video I ever saw. (Looking up, wide-eyed and innocent) "There goes our teacher. . . yay. . . she's -- hey, wait a minute. . . what the?. . . (crying) WAHHHHHH!!" Scarred for life! Twenty years from now when another nut drives into McDonald's and shoots fifteen people and they wonder why? He'll tell you why. (Brandishing a rifle, crazed) "Because I watched my teacher blow up on national TV. . . that's why!" BLAM! BLAM! BLAM BLAM BLAM!
Christa McAuliffe. First teacher in space? First teacher all over space. (Looking up) "There she is! No, there she is. No, there she is. THERE! THERE! THERE!"
But you find out who your friends are in time of war. We decided we were going into the Persian Gulf and England was right behind us, weren't they? (Hopping about, excitedly) "You guys going in? We're right behind you! Yup! Yup! Wouldn't miss it! You got those nuclear weapons, right? Great! Great. You got some air conditioners? Great! Let's go!"
England had Thatcher. We had Reagan. They were the best of friends. Two old battle horses just dying to get into a war. Stockpiling weapons and lining the pockets of their friends. But at least we have one thing we can hold over England's head. At least we tried to kill Reagan.
Reagan would have loved the Persian Gulf War. It was perfect. Bush tried to pass it off under the old agenda. "We're going to war over human rights and oppression." No. It was oil. If Kuwait's main export was white cotton socks we wouldn't have been so quick to anger, would we? (Marching) "We've gotta save those socks, man! Summertime's coming up!"
Most Americans didn't even know where Kuwait was until the war was over. That's the way we are in this country. First order of attack, we put on our million-dollar helmets and jump into our billion-dollar planes and go: "Kuwait? Where the hell is that?" "It's near Israel. Just fly around for a while and blow something up."
Of course we have to defend Kuwait. Because they have oil. And we deserve the most oil because we drive the biggest cars. I'm sick and tired of being told by other countries and some of our own senators that we ought to be driving smaller cars. We can't fit in the small cars. We're too fat from eating cheeseburgers and drinking beer and watching television all day. I'm not giving up big cars. That's what I love about this country. Freedom of speech and big stuff.
"Look at that car. Biggest car you'll ever see!"
"Yeah. But it's ugly."
"So what? Look at the size of the thing!"
"Look at the size of my penis. Goes all the way down to my ankle."
"Yeah, but you come after five seconds."
"So what? Look how big it is!"
"Look at that building. A hundred and seventy-five stories straight up into the sky!"
"Yeah, but if there was ever an accident --"
"It'd be a huge tragedy -- bodies all over the place!"
We love big stuff. The more big stuff the better. We invented the salad bar. That was an American event. All you can eat for $2.99. Yeah. The triumph of quantity over quality. (Crazed) "I'll take some lettuce and olives and peppers and onions and -- oh, great. They have these little red things. Some more lettuce, some cucumbers -- this plate's not gonna be big enough. Honey! Get the car! Back it right up here and open the trunk! Yeah."
"Gee, pal. How much salad can you eat?"
"Shut up! What're you, Canadian or something? I paid three bucks! I can have the whole thing if I want! I'm taking all the salad!"
That was the original idea with the space shuttle. (Gazing skyward)
"Look at that space shuttle. It's something, huh?"
"What does it do?"
"Well, it goes up. And then -- umm -- it comes back down."
"That's it?"
"Yeah, but look how big it is! Look at the size of that cargo area. You have any idea how much salad you can fit in there?"
We've got to readjust our attitude. That's why we're in so much trouble economically. We waltzed into Japan after World War II going, "Get your asses in gear. You're gonna be democratic and capitalistic like us from now on or we'll blow you up again!"
"What do we do?"
"Well, you work hard -- real hard -- and eventually it will pay off. Use your head. Use your hands. Now get to work, goddamnit!"
Little did we know they would take us seriously. Now they own half of America. We were sitting around eating and farting and watching football. Meanwhile they're building advanced technology and buying real estate. (Announcer's voice) "America! Brought to you by -- Japan! Makers of all the stuff you're too fat and lazy to make yourself!"
I love it whenever the Japan bashing heats up. Some Japanese businessman makes a comment about the laziness of American workers or some guys in Detroit get laid off because Chryslers aren't selling as well as Toyotas and that night on the news you'll see a gang of auto workers outside the plant in Michigan taking turns beating the s..t out of a Hyundai with a sledgehammer. THWANG! "Take that, f***' Nips!" THWANG! "Yeah!" THWANG! "*rooster*!" THWOCK! "Kiss my American ass!" Meanwhile, in tiny little letters on the tip of the head of the hammer it says "Made in Japan."
(Thickheaded) "I just don't trust these Japs. They're f***' sneaky. They're Commies. Get this: they make better products that cost less and last longer. Now that's just un-American."
Iraq. Iran. Iran. Iraq. I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed-off people live in one place and get it over with.
"Those goddamn Iratians. I hate them!"
We've got to give racists credit, though. In the face of progress and history and humanity, they've still managed to keep all the doors in their heads locked. And they've thrown away the keys. One word, folks: racism.
"He's black, he's red, he's yellow, he's brown. I don't like him 'cause he's different from me."
Hey! My hatred is not based on color or creed. My hatred is based on performance. I have a white Irish cousin who looks exactly like me and you know what? He's an idiot! He's ignorant, he's lazy, he's a huge pus-filled boil on the ass of society.
Two words: David Duke. Two more words: nose job. I think you hear me knocking, David, and I think I'm coming in, and I'm bringing a black guy, a Jewish guy and an entire South Vietnamese family with me. And you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna burn all the sheets except one, which we're gonna turn into a giant hammock for the black guy to hang out in, and then we're gonna watch Do the Right Thing over and over again -- until we get it right.
And guess who's making the popcorn?
(Takes deep swig of beer. Stubs out cigarette. Lights up a fresh one. Inhales. Exhales.)
We kicked Saddam's ass and now I think it's time we enjoy it. It's a stupid overblown macho feeling, but who knows when we'll be able to enjoy it again? C'mon. Buy a T-shirt. Crack open a beer. Celebrate. Let's take advantage of the situation. Let's make a couple of stops on our way home from the Gulf. First stop -- Vietnam. Surprise the hell out of those people. "You make a movie?" (Pointing gun) "Not this time, pal. Actually, we could make a movie. We could. We've got cameras strapped to our bombs. Let's make a movie called Watch My Village Blow Up. (Running away) "Oh no! Francis Ford Coppola! Oliver Stone!"
Next stop. Not Russia. Not Iraq. Not Iran. Not Irate. I'll tell you where. You know where? Canada. I don't trust them! They're too nice and they're too quiet and they live right above America, okay? I think if you live in Buffalo, right at the Canadian border, and you listen very closely at night, you can hear those Canadians up there sharpening their ice skates and getting ready to come down and take our cheese! I don't trust any country with that many French-speaking people. France and the French-speaking quarter of Montreal treat Americans like s..t. You know why? Because years ago they gave us the croissant. Le qwah-soh! What did we do? We turned it into a croissandwich. Thank you very much. You got any pate? Some chicken liver pate would be very nice! I don't pronounce it ^pate. I'm not going to pronounce that little squiggly mark over the e. Okay? I'm an American. I pay my taxes. It's pate as far as I'm concerned. It's like that singer Sade. "My named is spelled S-A-D-E but I pronounce it Shar-day." Great. My name is Denis; I'm going to pronounce it "Der-nish." Okay? We can all be French. Pronounce your name the way it's spelled. Then you can suck on my pene, okay? I don't have enough problems in my life worrying about cancer and tumors and war in the Persian Gulf. I have to walk into a pastry shop in the middle of Manhattan every morning going, "Yeah, give me a cup of coffee and then give me one of those. . ." What do I say? Qwah-soh? Qwah-seh? Qwah-sah? "Give me a f***' doughnut, okay, pal? Give me a doughnut with chocolate on top and nothing inside." I don't trust people who put stuff inside of doughnuts.
"Well, it's only hot blueberry sauce."
"It could be hot French semen for all I know, pal! I want a doughnut!" I've got a big French monkey on my back! Get it off me!
(Takes a long, deep swig of beer. Inhales. Exhales.)
France. A country that made Jerry Lewis famous. Jerry Lewis. For years he made millions of dollars running around like a spaz. (Dances around stage on his ankles with arms flailing) "Lady! Oh, lady! A-la-la-la-la-lady! Oh, Dean!" Now he spends the rest of his life trying to help kids who actually do walk that way. I thought that was nice of God. Thank you, God, for that piece of justice pie. I'll have two pieces of that pie. Okay!?
(Lights fade out) Laughing
We have souvenir shops in airports where you can buy Persian Gulf hats and Schwarzkopf T-shirts and f*** Saddam buttons. Where were the Vietnam souvenir shops? "Yeah. I'll have a land mine, two severed legs and a can of Agent Orange, please?"
We were hungry for a war, weren't we? We wanted that American macho image back, and we got it. We've been bummed out for years about our image. We invented the space shuttle. It was our weapon of the future. No one else had one. And then -- tragedy. I think we all felt the same when the space shuttle blew up. I think we all thought the same thought when we found out it had exploded: "Damn! I forgot to set my VCR. Now I'm gonna have to borrow the tape."
We really think we're going to Mars. The government believes this. I love that line of logic. (Official government voice) "Don't worry about the ozone or cancer or AIDS. We ruined this planet. No problem. We'll just move to Mars." Yeah, right. And take all our problems with us. Get there. Build our bubble. Live under it for a few years and then: "f***' antenna-heads. They get cable for free! Next thing you know, they'll wanna play baseball too."
Mars. Sure it would be hot. But you'd be able to light your cigarette right off the ground. (Hops from foot to foot and bends down to press end of cigarette to stage) Ahhh.
The thing that still sticks with me about the space shuttle explosion is the people who were there watching it go up live. The parents, the kids? Those poor kids. They had some of that teacher's students flown down for the gig. And these poor innocent kids are watching the thing go up, waving their little American flags. That was the saddest and at the same time funniest video I ever saw. (Looking up, wide-eyed and innocent) "There goes our teacher. . . yay. . . she's -- hey, wait a minute. . . what the?. . . (crying) WAHHHHHH!!" Scarred for life! Twenty years from now when another nut drives into McDonald's and shoots fifteen people and they wonder why? He'll tell you why. (Brandishing a rifle, crazed) "Because I watched my teacher blow up on national TV. . . that's why!" BLAM! BLAM! BLAM BLAM BLAM!
Christa McAuliffe. First teacher in space? First teacher all over space. (Looking up) "There she is! No, there she is. No, there she is. THERE! THERE! THERE!"
But you find out who your friends are in time of war. We decided we were going into the Persian Gulf and England was right behind us, weren't they? (Hopping about, excitedly) "You guys going in? We're right behind you! Yup! Yup! Wouldn't miss it! You got those nuclear weapons, right? Great! Great. You got some air conditioners? Great! Let's go!"
England had Thatcher. We had Reagan. They were the best of friends. Two old battle horses just dying to get into a war. Stockpiling weapons and lining the pockets of their friends. But at least we have one thing we can hold over England's head. At least we tried to kill Reagan.
Reagan would have loved the Persian Gulf War. It was perfect. Bush tried to pass it off under the old agenda. "We're going to war over human rights and oppression." No. It was oil. If Kuwait's main export was white cotton socks we wouldn't have been so quick to anger, would we? (Marching) "We've gotta save those socks, man! Summertime's coming up!"
Most Americans didn't even know where Kuwait was until the war was over. That's the way we are in this country. First order of attack, we put on our million-dollar helmets and jump into our billion-dollar planes and go: "Kuwait? Where the hell is that?" "It's near Israel. Just fly around for a while and blow something up."
Of course we have to defend Kuwait. Because they have oil. And we deserve the most oil because we drive the biggest cars. I'm sick and tired of being told by other countries and some of our own senators that we ought to be driving smaller cars. We can't fit in the small cars. We're too fat from eating cheeseburgers and drinking beer and watching television all day. I'm not giving up big cars. That's what I love about this country. Freedom of speech and big stuff.
"Look at that car. Biggest car you'll ever see!"
"Yeah. But it's ugly."
"So what? Look at the size of the thing!"
"Look at the size of my penis. Goes all the way down to my ankle."
"Yeah, but you come after five seconds."
"So what? Look how big it is!"
"Look at that building. A hundred and seventy-five stories straight up into the sky!"
"Yeah, but if there was ever an accident --"
"It'd be a huge tragedy -- bodies all over the place!"
We love big stuff. The more big stuff the better. We invented the salad bar. That was an American event. All you can eat for $2.99. Yeah. The triumph of quantity over quality. (Crazed) "I'll take some lettuce and olives and peppers and onions and -- oh, great. They have these little red things. Some more lettuce, some cucumbers -- this plate's not gonna be big enough. Honey! Get the car! Back it right up here and open the trunk! Yeah."
"Gee, pal. How much salad can you eat?"
"Shut up! What're you, Canadian or something? I paid three bucks! I can have the whole thing if I want! I'm taking all the salad!"
That was the original idea with the space shuttle. (Gazing skyward)
"Look at that space shuttle. It's something, huh?"
"What does it do?"
"Well, it goes up. And then -- umm -- it comes back down."
"That's it?"
"Yeah, but look how big it is! Look at the size of that cargo area. You have any idea how much salad you can fit in there?"
We've got to readjust our attitude. That's why we're in so much trouble economically. We waltzed into Japan after World War II going, "Get your asses in gear. You're gonna be democratic and capitalistic like us from now on or we'll blow you up again!"
"What do we do?"
"Well, you work hard -- real hard -- and eventually it will pay off. Use your head. Use your hands. Now get to work, goddamnit!"
Little did we know they would take us seriously. Now they own half of America. We were sitting around eating and farting and watching football. Meanwhile they're building advanced technology and buying real estate. (Announcer's voice) "America! Brought to you by -- Japan! Makers of all the stuff you're too fat and lazy to make yourself!"
I love it whenever the Japan bashing heats up. Some Japanese businessman makes a comment about the laziness of American workers or some guys in Detroit get laid off because Chryslers aren't selling as well as Toyotas and that night on the news you'll see a gang of auto workers outside the plant in Michigan taking turns beating the s..t out of a Hyundai with a sledgehammer. THWANG! "Take that, f***' Nips!" THWANG! "Yeah!" THWANG! "*rooster*!" THWOCK! "Kiss my American ass!" Meanwhile, in tiny little letters on the tip of the head of the hammer it says "Made in Japan."
(Thickheaded) "I just don't trust these Japs. They're f***' sneaky. They're Commies. Get this: they make better products that cost less and last longer. Now that's just un-American."
Iraq. Iran. Iran. Iraq. I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed-off people live in one place and get it over with.
"Those goddamn Iratians. I hate them!"
We've got to give racists credit, though. In the face of progress and history and humanity, they've still managed to keep all the doors in their heads locked. And they've thrown away the keys. One word, folks: racism.
"He's black, he's red, he's yellow, he's brown. I don't like him 'cause he's different from me."
Hey! My hatred is not based on color or creed. My hatred is based on performance. I have a white Irish cousin who looks exactly like me and you know what? He's an idiot! He's ignorant, he's lazy, he's a huge pus-filled boil on the ass of society.
Two words: David Duke. Two more words: nose job. I think you hear me knocking, David, and I think I'm coming in, and I'm bringing a black guy, a Jewish guy and an entire South Vietnamese family with me. And you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna burn all the sheets except one, which we're gonna turn into a giant hammock for the black guy to hang out in, and then we're gonna watch Do the Right Thing over and over again -- until we get it right.
And guess who's making the popcorn?
(Takes deep swig of beer. Stubs out cigarette. Lights up a fresh one. Inhales. Exhales.)
We kicked Saddam's ass and now I think it's time we enjoy it. It's a stupid overblown macho feeling, but who knows when we'll be able to enjoy it again? C'mon. Buy a T-shirt. Crack open a beer. Celebrate. Let's take advantage of the situation. Let's make a couple of stops on our way home from the Gulf. First stop -- Vietnam. Surprise the hell out of those people. "You make a movie?" (Pointing gun) "Not this time, pal. Actually, we could make a movie. We could. We've got cameras strapped to our bombs. Let's make a movie called Watch My Village Blow Up. (Running away) "Oh no! Francis Ford Coppola! Oliver Stone!"
Next stop. Not Russia. Not Iraq. Not Iran. Not Irate. I'll tell you where. You know where? Canada. I don't trust them! They're too nice and they're too quiet and they live right above America, okay? I think if you live in Buffalo, right at the Canadian border, and you listen very closely at night, you can hear those Canadians up there sharpening their ice skates and getting ready to come down and take our cheese! I don't trust any country with that many French-speaking people. France and the French-speaking quarter of Montreal treat Americans like s..t. You know why? Because years ago they gave us the croissant. Le qwah-soh! What did we do? We turned it into a croissandwich. Thank you very much. You got any pate? Some chicken liver pate would be very nice! I don't pronounce it ^pate. I'm not going to pronounce that little squiggly mark over the e. Okay? I'm an American. I pay my taxes. It's pate as far as I'm concerned. It's like that singer Sade. "My named is spelled S-A-D-E but I pronounce it Shar-day." Great. My name is Denis; I'm going to pronounce it "Der-nish." Okay? We can all be French. Pronounce your name the way it's spelled. Then you can suck on my pene, okay? I don't have enough problems in my life worrying about cancer and tumors and war in the Persian Gulf. I have to walk into a pastry shop in the middle of Manhattan every morning going, "Yeah, give me a cup of coffee and then give me one of those. . ." What do I say? Qwah-soh? Qwah-seh? Qwah-sah? "Give me a f***' doughnut, okay, pal? Give me a doughnut with chocolate on top and nothing inside." I don't trust people who put stuff inside of doughnuts.
"Well, it's only hot blueberry sauce."
"It could be hot French semen for all I know, pal! I want a doughnut!" I've got a big French monkey on my back! Get it off me!
(Takes a long, deep swig of beer. Inhales. Exhales.)
France. A country that made Jerry Lewis famous. Jerry Lewis. For years he made millions of dollars running around like a spaz. (Dances around stage on his ankles with arms flailing) "Lady! Oh, lady! A-la-la-la-la-lady! Oh, Dean!" Now he spends the rest of his life trying to help kids who actually do walk that way. I thought that was nice of God. Thank you, God, for that piece of justice pie. I'll have two pieces of that pie. Okay!?
(Lights fade out) Laughing
- [ecgn] btt
-
- Posts: 1654
- Joined: Wed Feb 23, 2005 5:19 pm
- Location: A damn yankee in N. Carolina
by [ecgn] btt » Fri Feb 16, 2007 8:27 pm
For those who don't like to read. 
The post above starts at about 1:30 in.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pqSJsZzxTC0
The post above starts at about 1:30 in.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pqSJsZzxTC0
- cavalierlwt
-
- Posts: 2840
- Joined: Thu Feb 13, 2003 12:54 pm
by cavalierlwt » Fri Feb 16, 2007 10:38 pm
Check out Doug Stanhope, the guy is a piece of work. Brutal. Dude basically gets drunk on stage and then alternately make the crowd laugh or makes them want to beat the shit out of him. It's like performance art at times.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTOQhPd2Xh4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1t2mMMp7bjU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExAw4hIhRIU&mode=related&search=
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GG0FYAZluvY&mode=related&search=
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTOQhPd2Xh4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1t2mMMp7bjU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExAw4hIhRIU&mode=related&search=
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GG0FYAZluvY&mode=related&search=
Failing to plead
with a throat full of dust
Life falls asleep
in a fetal position.
with a throat full of dust
Life falls asleep
in a fetal position.
- gowhitesox99
-
- Posts: 4207
- Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2003 10:23 am
- Location: Owning a 9 second import is like coming out of the closet. At first you surprise everyone, but in th
by gowhitesox99 » Sat Feb 17, 2007 12:24 am
yeah jenky, you think anyone is gonna read that?? at least format it a little
Weasel!!
;
;
4 posts
• Page 1 of 1
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: Google [Bot] and 16 guests