Need a laugh
23 posts
• Page 1 of 2 • 1, 2
- Stephanie
Need a laugh
by Stephanie » Tue Mar 25, 2003 3:06 pm
Ok all this talk about war is making me depressed:(
I need a few laughs and I am sure some of you others do too
So tell us your funniest, sickest, nastiest, joke you know, and please lets try and keep related war stuff out
I would tell one but I don't know any:roll:
I need a few laughs and I am sure some of you others do too
So tell us your funniest, sickest, nastiest, joke you know, and please lets try and keep related war stuff out
I would tell one but I don't know any:roll:
- Agent-Commando
by Agent-Commando » Tue Mar 25, 2003 3:41 pm
Facts of Life
- Butterflies taste with their feet.
- A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
- In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
- On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
- On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
- Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
- Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
- Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
- Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
- It's possible to lead a cow upstairs ... but not downstairs.
- Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
- It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
- The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
- A snail can sleep for three years..
- No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
- Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
- Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing! SCARY!!!
- The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
- All polar bears are left-handed.
- In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
- TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
- "Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English anguage.
- If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
- A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
- The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
- Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
- Almost everyone who reads this thread will try to lick their elbow.
you tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?
jokes:
St. Peter has to go to the bathroom. He has been standing guard at the pearly gates for five hundred years, and he really has to go. He asks Jesus, "Hey, look, can you do me a favour? Take over here for a few minutes while I go to the bathroom."
Jesus says, "But I've never done this before."
"It's nothing," says St. Peter. "Here's a pad and a pencil. When people come up, you ask them their name, where they lived, get their occupation, and ask them any pertinent questions. If they sound cool, let them in. That's all there is to it. I've gotta go." And he runs off.
A few minutes later an old man comes up, and Jesus asks him, "What's your name?"
The little old man says, "In English I think you would say my name is Joseph."
"And what," says Jesus, "was your occupation?"
"I was a carpenter," says Joseph.
"Okay," says Jesus, writing all this down. He looks carefully at the man, then asks, "Did you have any children?"
"Yes," says the man. "I had a son."
Jesus looks at these three answers. Then looks back at the man. He then asks, "Was there anything unusual about your son?"
"Yes," says the old man. "My son did not come into this world in the usual way. He also had nail holes in his hands and his feet---"
At which point Jesus throws open his arms and says, "Dad!"
The old man looks up at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio?"
more jokes:
Tony & Maria's Italian Wedding Night
Maria had just gotten married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and shouts, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest!."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again.
When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs shouting again.
"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Maria," said the mother, "stay here and stir the pasta."
more:
A U.S. Marine was deployed to Kuwait. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend, in which she explained that she had slept with two guys since he had left, she wanted to break up with him, AND she wanted back the photo of herself she had given him.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I'm sorry, I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back."
even more:
Favorite 8 second sex position.
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.' Then you try and hold on for 8 seconds..."
- Butterflies taste with their feet.
- A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
- In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
- On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
- On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
- Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
- Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
- Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
- Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
- It's possible to lead a cow upstairs ... but not downstairs.
- Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
- It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
- The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
- A snail can sleep for three years..
- No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
- Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
- Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing! SCARY!!!
- The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
- All polar bears are left-handed.
- In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
- TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
- "Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English anguage.
- If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
- A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
- The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
- Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
- Almost everyone who reads this thread will try to lick their elbow.
you tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?
jokes:
St. Peter has to go to the bathroom. He has been standing guard at the pearly gates for five hundred years, and he really has to go. He asks Jesus, "Hey, look, can you do me a favour? Take over here for a few minutes while I go to the bathroom."
Jesus says, "But I've never done this before."
"It's nothing," says St. Peter. "Here's a pad and a pencil. When people come up, you ask them their name, where they lived, get their occupation, and ask them any pertinent questions. If they sound cool, let them in. That's all there is to it. I've gotta go." And he runs off.
A few minutes later an old man comes up, and Jesus asks him, "What's your name?"
The little old man says, "In English I think you would say my name is Joseph."
"And what," says Jesus, "was your occupation?"
"I was a carpenter," says Joseph.
"Okay," says Jesus, writing all this down. He looks carefully at the man, then asks, "Did you have any children?"
"Yes," says the man. "I had a son."
Jesus looks at these three answers. Then looks back at the man. He then asks, "Was there anything unusual about your son?"
"Yes," says the old man. "My son did not come into this world in the usual way. He also had nail holes in his hands and his feet---"
At which point Jesus throws open his arms and says, "Dad!"
The old man looks up at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio?"
more jokes:
Tony & Maria's Italian Wedding Night
Maria had just gotten married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and shouts, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest!."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again.
When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs shouting again.
"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Maria," said the mother, "stay here and stir the pasta."
more:
A U.S. Marine was deployed to Kuwait. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend, in which she explained that she had slept with two guys since he had left, she wanted to break up with him, AND she wanted back the photo of herself she had given him.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I'm sorry, I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back."
even more:
Favorite 8 second sex position.
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.' Then you try and hold on for 8 seconds..."
- [WEF]Herr Renz
by [WEF]Herr Renz » Tue Mar 25, 2003 3:43 pm
k, good for me 
i don't know if you guys do it but in belgium lot of the jokes are telled about a dumb blondine... (its a kind of person: woman, blond, very pretty, and very stupid):
so some guy comes into a café (or a bar in english) and he syas to everyone: i know a good joke about a dumb blondine...
but a girl says: but i'm blond...
the guy: no problem, i'll tell it a bit slower...
*the moment you have to laugh*
what does a dumb blondine when she's borred?
- she putts m&m's on alfabetical order...
how dies the braincel of a dumb blondine?
- lonely
an elephant stands into a slower with some guys and he looks down... than he asks: do you have to eat with that?
some guy is sitting in his class, he has an excercice... and he's starring to the execercices...
well the teacher askes: why don't you come to be to ask for help... than we could solve the problem...
he answers: if you weren't there i didn't had a problem...
3 guys are in heaven, they may do anything they want but thay may not touch the little clouds... or they have to marry the most ugly woman in the heaven...
after a while they meet eachother again... and they've all a wife... the first one had touched a little cloud so he was with some russian farmer's wife... the second one had touched a little cloud too and he was with some other ugly woman...
the third on has a mostly beautiful girl... and the first and second are thinking: "how can this happen?" well the girl said: i know what you guys think but i touched a little cloud too...
Peoples in cars make accidents...!!!!
Accidents in cars make peoples....!!!!!
i didn't eat this morning because i thought about you...
i didn't eat this noun because i thought about you...
i didn't eat this evening because i thought about you...
i didn't slept this night because i was hungry...
(this is a little example of beglian jokes
there are a lot better ones but i can't tell them in english...
i don't know if you guys do it but in belgium lot of the jokes are telled about a dumb blondine... (its a kind of person: woman, blond, very pretty, and very stupid):
so some guy comes into a café (or a bar in english) and he syas to everyone: i know a good joke about a dumb blondine...
but a girl says: but i'm blond...
the guy: no problem, i'll tell it a bit slower...
*the moment you have to laugh*
what does a dumb blondine when she's borred?
- she putts m&m's on alfabetical order...
how dies the braincel of a dumb blondine?
- lonely
an elephant stands into a slower with some guys and he looks down... than he asks: do you have to eat with that?
some guy is sitting in his class, he has an excercice... and he's starring to the execercices...
well the teacher askes: why don't you come to be to ask for help... than we could solve the problem...
he answers: if you weren't there i didn't had a problem...
3 guys are in heaven, they may do anything they want but thay may not touch the little clouds... or they have to marry the most ugly woman in the heaven...
after a while they meet eachother again... and they've all a wife... the first one had touched a little cloud so he was with some russian farmer's wife... the second one had touched a little cloud too and he was with some other ugly woman...
the third on has a mostly beautiful girl... and the first and second are thinking: "how can this happen?" well the girl said: i know what you guys think but i touched a little cloud too...
Peoples in cars make accidents...!!!!
Accidents in cars make peoples....!!!!!
i didn't eat this morning because i thought about you...
i didn't eat this noun because i thought about you...
i didn't eat this evening because i thought about you...
i didn't slept this night because i was hungry...
(this is a little example of beglian jokes
there are a lot better ones but i can't tell them in english...- Stephanie
by Stephanie » Tue Mar 25, 2003 3:54 pm
A couple has returned from their honeymoon and it was obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong.
"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"
The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though: She gave me $20 change!''
"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"
The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though: She gave me $20 change!''
- Stephanie
by Stephanie » Tue Mar 25, 2003 3:59 pm
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
- Stephanie
- $$$
you can lick ur elbow!
by $$$ » Tue Mar 25, 2003 5:04 pm
noooooooooo its true u can lick your elbow!!!!! someone at my school can do it... I saw him do it too!!!! heh
by SHWoff » Tue Mar 25, 2003 5:33 pm
A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One United States Marine is better than ten Iraqis."
The Iraqi commander quickly sends ten of this best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out: "One United States Marine is better than one hundred Iraqis!"
Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge firefight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The American voice calls out again: "One United States Marine is better than one thousand Iraqis!"
The enraged Iraqi commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Iraqi soldier crawls back
over the dune and with his dying breath tells his commander:
"Don't send anymore men! It's a trap! There's TWO of them!"
The Iraqi commander quickly sends ten of this best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out: "One United States Marine is better than one hundred Iraqis!"
Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge firefight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The American voice calls out again: "One United States Marine is better than one thousand Iraqis!"
The enraged Iraqi commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Iraqi soldier crawls back
over the dune and with his dying breath tells his commander:
"Don't send anymore men! It's a trap! There's TWO of them!"
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in the boat and drink beer all day...
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