comedy corner
Moderators: RTCW Admins, Super Moderators, vB3 - Administrators
25 posts
• Page 1 of 2 • 1, 2
- Destructor
-
- Posts: 1357
- Joined: Tue Sep 02, 2003 12:30 pm
- Location: B'ham AL
comedy corner
by Destructor » Sun Sep 12, 2004 1:50 pm
Everybody always comes across funny shit on the web whether they're jokes, movies, or lists. This thread will probably die fast like most of my threads, but who knows......Post some funny stuff cause laughter is key to happiness. 
here's a joke to start it off
Walmart computer analysis
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to WalMart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at WalMart.
here's a joke to start it off
Walmart computer analysis
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to WalMart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at WalMart.
- [FSU]SkunX
-
- Posts: 467
- Joined: Mon Jul 05, 2004 12:54 pm
- Location: C.R,Florida
by [FSU]SkunX » Sun Sep 12, 2004 9:34 pm
One evening Mike went over to his friend Terry's house to play cards with some friends.
Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed.
He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, " Did you like what you saw?" Mike said "Yes I did." She said, Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500." So Mike thought about this financial situation and said, "O.K." She said, "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then." Mike said, "I'll see you then."
The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left. Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today" She said, thinking she had been caught, "As a matter of fact, he did." Terry said, "Good because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."
&
An old man marries a young woman, and though they’re in love, the wife can’t achieve an orgasm.
They ask a psychiatrist for advice. He says, “Hire a strapping young man. While you’re making love, have him wave a towel over your bodies.”
The couple’s desperate, so they hire a male escort to wave a towel. But despite a lengthy lovemaking session, the wife still can’t get off. Willing to try anything, the husband and the strapping young stallion switch positions.
The guy goes to work, and the wife quickly has an earthshaking orgasm.
The husband smiles and says triumphantly, “You see, young fella? That’s how you wave a towel!”
Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed.
He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, " Did you like what you saw?" Mike said "Yes I did." She said, Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500." So Mike thought about this financial situation and said, "O.K." She said, "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then." Mike said, "I'll see you then."
The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left. Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today" She said, thinking she had been caught, "As a matter of fact, he did." Terry said, "Good because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."
&
An old man marries a young woman, and though they’re in love, the wife can’t achieve an orgasm.
They ask a psychiatrist for advice. He says, “Hire a strapping young man. While you’re making love, have him wave a towel over your bodies.”
The couple’s desperate, so they hire a male escort to wave a towel. But despite a lengthy lovemaking session, the wife still can’t get off. Willing to try anything, the husband and the strapping young stallion switch positions.
The guy goes to work, and the wife quickly has an earthshaking orgasm.
The husband smiles and says triumphantly, “You see, young fella? That’s how you wave a towel!”
RudeBoy
"A TV Guide duct-taped to a 4 foot stick?! That's one hella ghetto 'mote control!"
"A TV Guide duct-taped to a 4 foot stick?! That's one hella ghetto 'mote control!"
by aphid » Sun Sep 12, 2004 9:38 pm
Originally posted by [FSU]SkunX
The guy goes to work, and the wife quickly has an earthshaking orgasm.
The husband smiles and says triumphantly, “You see, young fella? That’s how you wave a towel!”
You're a bit too young to be knowing or talking about this kind of stuff.
- Destructor
-
- Posts: 1357
- Joined: Tue Sep 02, 2003 12:30 pm
- Location: B'ham AL
by Destructor » Sun Sep 12, 2004 11:06 pm
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns but only finds a young couple in bed.He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair..While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her,kisses her on the neck,then gets up,and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen,this guy is an escaped prisoner,look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail,and hasn't seen a woman in years.I saw how he kissed your neck.If he wants sex,don't resist,don't complain,just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction,no matter how much he ravages you. This guy must be dangerous,if he gets angry,he'll kill us.Be strong,honey. I love you"
To which the wife responds,"He was not kissing my neck.He was whispering in my ear.He told me he was gay,thought you were cute,and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.Be strong,honey. I love you, too."
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen,this guy is an escaped prisoner,look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail,and hasn't seen a woman in years.I saw how he kissed your neck.If he wants sex,don't resist,don't complain,just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction,no matter how much he ravages you. This guy must be dangerous,if he gets angry,he'll kill us.Be strong,honey. I love you"
To which the wife responds,"He was not kissing my neck.He was whispering in my ear.He told me he was gay,thought you were cute,and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.Be strong,honey. I love you, too."
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
- gowhitesox99
-
- Posts: 4207
- Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2003 10:23 am
- Location: Owning a 9 second import is like coming out of the closet. At first you surprise everyone, but in th
by gowhitesox99 » Mon Sep 13, 2004 1:50 pm
Originally posted by =DocTrebor=
:
nothing, it waved!
You're in college and that's the best you got?? LOL.
Weasel!!
;
;
by Sabres » Mon Sep 13, 2004 6:00 pm
Originally posted by Sir Loin
isnt there already a thread dedicated to jokes............??
Yes there is. I started one in The Smokin' Room. It is called "Favorite Jokes" with a smile as the thread icon.
- Destructor
-
- Posts: 1357
- Joined: Tue Sep 02, 2003 12:30 pm
- Location: B'ham AL
by Destructor » Tue Sep 14, 2004 1:24 pm
well son of a bitch....look at that. I should venture from the RTCW forums more often.....sry bout that.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
by Geist » Thu Sep 16, 2004 11:07 am
YOU DON'T KNOW JACK SCHITT!
This is the story of the saying "You don't know Jack Schitt!", which refers to the other party as not knowing anything about what they are speaking of.
Jack Schitt is the only son of O. Schitt.
O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran the Kneedeep Inn-Schitt.
Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt, and together they produced six children.
Holy Schitt, their first child, passed on shortly after birth. Next, came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt and then two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt. Their final child, another son, was named Bull Schitt.
In the meantime Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they had a son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens Brothers.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Bird Schitt and Horace Schitt.
Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt and they are expecting the arrival of Baby Schitt.
So now you know the full story of Jack Schitt and his family... just in case someone should ask
This is the story of the saying "You don't know Jack Schitt!", which refers to the other party as not knowing anything about what they are speaking of.
Jack Schitt is the only son of O. Schitt.
O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran the Kneedeep Inn-Schitt.
Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt, and together they produced six children.
Holy Schitt, their first child, passed on shortly after birth. Next, came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt and then two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt. Their final child, another son, was named Bull Schitt.
In the meantime Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they had a son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens Brothers.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Bird Schitt and Horace Schitt.
Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt and they are expecting the arrival of Baby Schitt.
So now you know the full story of Jack Schitt and his family... just in case someone should ask
I'm Not Dead, Im Electroencephalographically-Challenged
25 posts
• Page 1 of 2 • 1, 2
Return to Return To Castle Wolfenstein
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 8 guests