Mort's joke of the week

by **Alofwar** » Fri Sep 29, 2006 1:22 am

Police have said that they believe Richard Hammond was on drugs when he crashed, since just as he crashed he said "Fucking Top gear"

by **Alofwar** » Fri Oct 06, 2006 1:37 am

When The film Braveheart was being made, many people laughed at the fact that Mel Gibson was playing a Scottish guy.
Now look at him, an alcoholic racist.

by **Alofwar** » Thu Oct 12, 2006 4:15 pm

When North Korea tested its nuclear weapons, Kim Jong Il described it as a great leap forward for the Korean people.
However for most Korean people, it was a 2 foot leap in the air.

by **dugosapien** » Fri Oct 13, 2006 10:09 am

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden
inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless
family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at
heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I
question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear
from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I
eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion
and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few
sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I
think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more
yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue
marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous.
I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in
order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken water,
vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out
face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should
be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I
just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no
later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

by **Alofwar** » Fri Oct 13, 2006 10:49 am

I dont get it, your going to have to explain dug.

Many People in the UK have been complaining about all the polish immigrants, particularly about the Polish plumbers. But when it comes to picking a plumber, its your choice.

Now you can choose to ahve Dodgey Reg whith his ass hanging out who rings you up and says "Put the kettle on, i'll be round about 4 months"

Or you can have Vladmir, who comes round at 8 in the morning, does the job in 20 mintues and will build you an extension for £10.

by **Sabres** » Fri Oct 13, 2006 1:56 pm

Originally posted by dugosapien
P.S.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

by **Alofwar** » Fri Oct 13, 2006 4:02 pm

Is that "British constituiton" thing suppose be saying its a bad thing we dont have a constitution? Well i dont want to get that political on a jokes thread, but im just going to say we do have one, an "uncodified" constituion, basically made up of common law, statute law, acts of parliment and tradition. And its a much better system than the US one. (and btw, i've spent the last month studying in depth and comparing the UK's to the US, so i know what im talking about.)

by **dugosapien** » Fri Oct 13, 2006 4:22 pm

Originally posted by dugosapien

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
2. British Constitution

?? It's not a political comment... it's just difficult to say while drunk.. says the gent who lives in 'British Columbia' ...and that can be diffucult to say while drunk also...

by **PraiseA||ah** » Fri Oct 13, 2006 5:02 pm

I think the problem is that Alofwar is too young to get the jokes about alcohol and it's effects. Give him another 10 years. He'll be crying and laughing at the same time.

by **petersapien** » Fri Oct 13, 2006 5:56 pm

You forgot things that are impossible to say when your drunk.

by **Alofwar** » Fri Oct 13, 2006 6:00 pm

Allah, i've just spent a week pissed out of head in Fuerteventura, now trying saying that while drunk!!!

by **Alofwar** » Sat Oct 21, 2006 5:09 pm

British Army chief General Sir Richard Dannatt as said we must rethink our policy in Afghanistan as our troops are getting shot at on daily basis. Well once the Americans leave we will just have to worry about the Taliban shooting at us.

by **petersapien** » Sat Oct 21, 2006 7:02 pm

Originally posted by Alofwar
British Army chief General Sir Richard Dannatt as said we must rethink our policy in Afghanistan as our troops are getting shot at on daily basis. Well once the Americans leave we will just have to worry about the Taliban shooting at us.

Ha ha ha...... note it was actually the canadians that were straifed by that american jet.

by **Alofwar** » Sat Oct 21, 2006 7:47 pm

Yeah, but were constantly being shot at by the US, not just one off strafings.

by **petersapien** » Sat Oct 21, 2006 8:04 pm

Originally posted by Alofwar
Yeah, but were constantly being shot at by the US, not just one off strafings.

True the US need to work on the friendly fire.

Mort's joke of the week

Who is online