Mort's joke of the week
- ||ASS||Mortimer
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by ||ASS||Mortimer » Thu Nov 10, 2005 4:55 pm
Nice:rotflmao:
Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found that they were unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. "Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, "Reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my penis two- hundred and fifty times."
Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found that they were unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. "Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, "Reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my penis two- hundred and fifty times."
- ||ASS||Mortimer
- Posts: 332
- Joined: Thu Jan 01, 2004 10:21 am
- Location: Virginia Beach,VA
by ||ASS||Mortimer » Fri Nov 11, 2005 10:30 pm
A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club. The man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range.
The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.
The golf pro says, "Not bad, Now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast."
The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"
Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards.
Golf pro: "Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's dick."
She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.
Golf pro: "Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth."
The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.
The golf pro says, "Not bad, Now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast."
The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"
Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards.
Golf pro: "Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's dick."
She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.
Golf pro: "Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth."
- ||ASS||Mortimer
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- Joined: Thu Jan 01, 2004 10:21 am
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by ||ASS||Mortimer » Mon Dec 05, 2005 8:45 pm
An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when! a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."
After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France.":rotflmao:
Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."
After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France.":rotflmao:
by Gen. Ouch » Mon Dec 05, 2005 11:20 pm
heres a good one.
man walked into a bar one night. He went up to the bar and asked for a beer. “Certainly, sir, that’ll be one cent.”
“ONE CENT!” exclaimed the guy, the barman replied, “Yes.”
So the guy glanced over at the menu, and he asked, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, loaded baked potato, salad and chocolate cake?”
“Certainly sir,” replied the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.”
“How much money?” inquired the guy.
“Four cents,” he replies.
“FOUR cents!!!!” exclaimed the guy.
“Where’s the guy who owns this place?” The barman replied, “Upstairs with my wife.”
The guy said, “What’s he doing with your wife?”
The bartender replied, “Same thing I’m doing down here to his business.”
man walked into a bar one night. He went up to the bar and asked for a beer. “Certainly, sir, that’ll be one cent.”
“ONE CENT!” exclaimed the guy, the barman replied, “Yes.”
So the guy glanced over at the menu, and he asked, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, loaded baked potato, salad and chocolate cake?”
“Certainly sir,” replied the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.”
“How much money?” inquired the guy.
“Four cents,” he replies.
“FOUR cents!!!!” exclaimed the guy.
“Where’s the guy who owns this place?” The barman replied, “Upstairs with my wife.”
The guy said, “What’s he doing with your wife?”
The bartender replied, “Same thing I’m doing down here to his business.”
The Ouch man cometh
*BONG*GeneralOuch
I thank God for this sig....
*BONG*GeneralOuch
I thank God for this sig....
- ||ASS||Mortimer
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- Joined: Thu Jan 01, 2004 10:21 am
- Location: Virginia Beach,VA
by ||ASS||Mortimer » Mon Dec 12, 2005 8:10 am
One day in the future, Jesse Jackson has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here,"
says the devil. "You are on my list, but have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to
do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it, was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in,
and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing.
Such was his fate in hell. "No," Jesse said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Jesse.
The devil opened a third door.
Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said . . . . . . . . .
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here,"
says the devil. "You are on my list, but have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to
do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it, was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in,
and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing.
Such was his fate in hell. "No," Jesse said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Jesse.
The devil opened a third door.
Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said . . . . . . . . .
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
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