Rules of 2006

by **Buliwyf** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 12:58 pm

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger
was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.
What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a
finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it
alive.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your
flavored water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass.
And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive
Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just
too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember the reason something was a television show in the first place
is because the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it
for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I
just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed
to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on
your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
And I didn't really care in the first place.

by **SavageParrot** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 1:03 pm

Damn right on the last one. I'd settle for just 'little' though...

by **Wolfy2** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 1:32 pm

i like the first one! mainly because i get that pop up 25 times a day!

by **=ender=** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 1:47 pm

Originally posted by Buliwyf
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole.

I agree. What ever happened to just ordering coffee, java, a cup of joe, black mud, etc? I can add cream and/or sugar if I want. But, that's it. It doesn't need anything more than either of those. If you think it does, then stop drinking the stuff and calling it coffee, because at that point, it's not.

Originally posted by Buliwyf
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass.
And it translates to "beef with broccoli."

You have no idea how often I've seen incorrectly written kanji or hiragana characters on people's tattoos. I love it.

Originally posted by Buliwyf
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
And I didn't really care in the first place.

Less than a year old? Okay, fine... tell me in months. Over a year old... I couldn't agree more. Kind of like when a woman is pregnant. Please tell me in months and not weeks... I don't want to do the math to figure out how long 23 weeks really is.

Best post I've seen in a real long time here! Nice one, Buli!!

by **cavalierlwt** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 2:45 pm

This one may seem low brow, but how about this. Bathrooms at workplaces: We're not in f*ing high school anymore. Do we really need to have those bathroom stalls that have the 1 foot gap at the bottom, and are about 5 feet tall? They have that shit in schools so kid can't have privacy to smoke, do drugs, whatever...
We're adults. Build the damn stalls properly, solid, relatively airtight, from floor to ceiling, with a goddam ventilation fan for each stall. I can't stand walking into the bathrooms to take a piss and having to listen to/smell 3 guys taking a crap.

by **CodeRed68** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 4:04 pm

by **Sabres** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 4:27 pm

very good

by **Chacal** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 10:05 pm

Buli, this is your best post yet!

It makes up for the 8408 other ones.

by **BladeRunner** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 10:18 pm

Originally posted by cavalierlwt
This one may seem low brow, but how about this. Bathrooms at workplaces: We're not in f*ing high school anymore. Do we really need to have those bathroom stalls that have the 1 foot gap at the bottom, and are about 5 feet tall? They have that shit in schools so kid can't have privacy to smoke, do drugs, whatever...
We're adults. Build the damn stalls properly, solid, relatively airtight, from floor to ceiling, with a goddam ventilation fan for each stall. I can't stand walking into the bathrooms to take a piss and having to listen to/smell 3 guys taking a crap.

LoL, next time you walk in the restroom yell out, "DROP
WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND FLUSH THAT CRAP".
hopefully all you will hear is commodes flushing

by **cavalierlwt** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 11:01 pm

Honestly, I would love to talk to the (planners?) of every place I've ever worked except one. Maybe the guy that sells High School bathroom stalls is a hell of salesman, I don't know. But I would like to ask them what in the hell they were thinking. It's a crazy pet peeve, but what can I say.

by **PraiseA||ah** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 11:03 pm

I would say you need to visit some foreign countries.

by **cavalierlwt** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 11:30 pm

I have. I've encountered some pretty funky toilets in Egypt.
I hear Germany's are the absolute worst--by design.
Scratch that, I've got friends that lived in Japan and Korea, and had to deal with the squat down toilets.
There's no way I could deal with that, no way, no way.

by **SandStorm** » Thu Jan 12, 2006 2:13 am

Originally posted by Chacal
Buli, this is your best post yet!

It makes up for the 8408 other ones.

Good stuff Buli and cavalier. :lol:

by **ferret963** » Thu Jan 12, 2006 9:22 am

You know what really grinds my gears?

Lol you guys just remind me of peter! If you had to take a shit in the desert, and only had your left hand and a stick to clean up after yourself, consider yourself lucky!

by **cavalierlwt** » Thu Jan 12, 2006 12:19 pm

I'd use the stick to beat someone until they gave me their shirt, which I'd then wipe my ass on.
See Ferret, there's no stopping me!

Rules of 2006

Rules of 2006

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