Mort's joke of the week

by **||ASS||Mortimer** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 5:21 pm

LOL...It's nice to know tha their "environmentally friendly"

by **Alofwar** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 5:49 pm

These ones are a bit crude and sexist, but funny.

Q:What do a tornado and a woman have in common?

A: At first theres alot sucking and blowing and then u lose your house

If a woman was president America would nuke a country every 28 dyas, for 5 days.

by **Sabres** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:50 pm

hahahaaaaaa :rotflmao:

by **Alofwar** » Fri Jan 20, 2006 3:41 pm

Say "Whale oil beef hooked" in an irish accent, even if you cant do one.

by **Alofwar** » Fri Jan 20, 2006 3:42 pm

SAVE A TREE

EAT A BEAVER

by **Sabres** » Sat Jan 21, 2006 12:50 am

Originally posted by Alofwar
Say "Whale oil beef hooked" in an irish accent, even if you cant do one.

nice haha

by B » Sat Jan 21, 2006 11:23 pm

Book Reports

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton : $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica.....ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.

by **Ldsmith104** » Mon Jan 23, 2006 6:45 pm

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it Is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is That you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth." Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

by **Sabres** » Mon Jan 23, 2006 8:50 pm

that one is awesome

by B » Tue Jan 24, 2006 12:07 pm

A blonde buys a handgun at a local pawn shop because she thinks her husband is
cheating on her. When she gets home, she finds her husband in bed with a woman.
The Blonde grabs the gun out of her purse, loads it and points it at her own
head.

Her husband seeing this starts screaming at her not to
Shoot.

The blonde replies "Shut up stupid! You're next!"

by **Ldsmith104** » Tue Jan 24, 2006 12:36 pm

Good stuff B even if you have been JLH hatin'

by **Alofwar** » Wed Jan 25, 2006 1:46 pm

3 blondes get shipwrecked on a island
They find a magic lamp, rub it and a genie comes out and says i will grant each ofyou 1 wish.
The first one wishes to be a bird, so she can fly away
The second, to be a fish, so she can swim away
The third wishes to be a Brunnette.
She then walks over the bridge.

by **Alofwar** » Sat Jan 28, 2006 7:45 pm

So celebrity Big brother is over, you notice how no one went in the pool.

by **Alofwar** » Fri Feb 03, 2006 8:38 pm

Helen McAthur was the fasted person to sailaround the world solo. She only wanted to go to the Isle of Wight, Women, directions, what can yoou do?

President Bush doesnt know where Bin Laden is, but he also doesnt know where Pakistan, South Africa, the exit or the toilet is.

by **Alofwar** » Fri Feb 03, 2006 8:48 pm

Bin Laden is sitting watching the news on TV, when he's the story about British diplomats using a rock with a recorder in to spy on the Russains. He says "A recorderin a rock, whatever next" He looks around, "AARRRGGGHHHH, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOOOOO"

Seriously, finding Bin Laden in Afghanistan is actually really hard, heres a description "Wears a nappie (diper) on his head, has a beard, Hates the west and likes to rape goats"
Well in a country where it's a law that you must have a beard and wear a cloth on your head its gonna be hard. Or he could simply wear a burka.

Mort's joke of the week

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