Mort's joke of the week

by **||ASS||Mortimer** » Fri Feb 03, 2006 10:25 pm

My apologies in advance, but damn this was funny...

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked in deep thought for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

by **Ldsmith104** » Mon Feb 06, 2006 3:15 am

BLACK ROBBERS - True Story

For anyone who didn't see David Letterman's take on
this: (And it's a true story...)
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a
bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a
break from the slots for dinner with her husband in
the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back
and we'll go to eat,"she told her husband and carried
the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed
two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them
was tall...very tall...an intimidating figure. The
woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me.
Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like
perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are
powerful, and fear immobilized her.
She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious,
flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her
mind but Gosh, they had to know what she was
thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the
elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was
flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a
mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and
stepped forward and followed with the other foot and
was on the elevator.
Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and
faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second
passed, and the another second, and then another. Her
fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic
consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and
about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration
poured from every pore.
Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct
told her to do what they told her. The bucket of
quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and
collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins
rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she
prayed. More seconds passed.
She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if
you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll
push the button." The one who said it had a little
trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily
to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head
and looked up at the two men. They reached down to
help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.
"When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said
the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit
the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for
you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He
bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time
not laughing. The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made
of myself. She was humiliated to speak. She wanted to
blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you
apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for
behaving as though they were going to rob you? She
didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up
the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.
When the elevator arrived at her floor they then
insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a
little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she
might not make it down the corridor. At her door they
bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room
she could hear them roaring with laughter as they
walked back to the elevator.
The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself
together and went downstairs for dinner with her
husband. The next morning flowers were delivered to
her room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a
crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said:"Thanks
for the best laugh we've had in years."

It was signed;
Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan

by **cavalierlwt** » Mon Feb 06, 2006 3:38 am

Originally posted by Ldsmith104
BLACK ROBBERS - True Story
For anyone who didn't see David Letterman's take on
this: (And it's a true story...)

Old joke from the 70s, not a true story actually.

by **Ldsmith104** » Mon Feb 06, 2006 5:17 am

Still funny as hell

by **Sabres** » Mon Feb 06, 2006 4:52 pm

by **Twister026** » Mon Feb 06, 2006 6:02 pm

say I-H-O-P-NES

by **Sabres** » Mon Feb 06, 2006 6:03 pm

Originally posted by Twister026
say I-H-O-P-NES

by **Alofwar** » Tue Feb 07, 2006 2:00 pm

If there is a God and he did create the world,
he is obviously a builder
Reason 1) He may have created everything in 7 days, but the orginal quota said 2 and a half

Reason 2) He may have made the Heavens and the Earth, but in some places he did quite a shitty job. (Here a local place name can be used as an example)

Reason 3) The final reason is, that he tells us he's coming back, but doesn't give any indication of when that might be.

by **Ldsmith104** » Wed Feb 08, 2006 10:51 pm

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in for that."

by B » Mon Feb 13, 2006 8:25 am

How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

Now, think about it......

Ready???

ARE YOU SURE???

Answer: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, and an unknown number of hares.

by **Alofwar** » Mon Feb 13, 2006 8:35 am

Dont forget, u can also get a cock"or"tu there.

by **Tommy Boy** » Mon Feb 13, 2006 9:22 am

you also forgot the beaver!

by **||ASS||Mortimer** » Mon Feb 13, 2006 11:51 am

HAHAHAHAHA!!!...Nice:rotflmao:

by **PraiseA||ah** » Mon Feb 13, 2006 11:54 am

She forgot the clam... We could go on forever.

by **Sabres** » Mon Feb 13, 2006 4:33 pm

Originally posted by PraiseA||ah
She forgot the clam... We could go on forever.

I think we have got enough...

Mort's joke of the week

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