Mort's joke of the week
- ||ASS||Mortimer
- Posts: 332
- Joined: Thu Jan 01, 2004 10:21 am
- Location: Virginia Beach,VA
by ||ASS||Mortimer » Thu Jun 15, 2006 9:24 am
This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"Christ!" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"
hahahaha 
by Alofwar » Fri Jun 16, 2006 8:46 am
A German family are on holiday in England and they go into a sport shop. The Little boy decides he wants to be an England supporter.
So he picks up an England shirt and goes to his sister, and says he wants to be an England Supporter and he wants this shirt for his birthday.
His Sisters slaps him and says u better go ask your mother.
He goes to his mothers and says he wants to be an England Support and he wants this shirt for his birthday.
His Mother slaps him twice and tells him to go see his Father, and he's not gonna be happy.
He goes to his Father and says he wants to be an England Supporterand he wants this shirt for his birthday.
His Father just slaps him repeatedly.
On the journey home his Father says i hope you've learn your lesson son.
The son replies "Well i've learn that i've only been an England supporter 30 minutes and i already hate you dirty German bastards".
So he picks up an England shirt and goes to his sister, and says he wants to be an England Supporter and he wants this shirt for his birthday.
His Sisters slaps him and says u better go ask your mother.
He goes to his mothers and says he wants to be an England Support and he wants this shirt for his birthday.
His Mother slaps him twice and tells him to go see his Father, and he's not gonna be happy.
He goes to his Father and says he wants to be an England Supporterand he wants this shirt for his birthday.
His Father just slaps him repeatedly.
On the journey home his Father says i hope you've learn your lesson son.
The son replies "Well i've learn that i've only been an England supporter 30 minutes and i already hate you dirty German bastards".
"Don't mention the war"
German Tourist: Will you stop mentioning the war
Basil: Well you started it
German tourist: No we didn't
Basil: Yes you did, you invaded Poland
German Tourist: Will you stop mentioning the war
Basil: Well you started it
German tourist: No we didn't
Basil: Yes you did, you invaded Poland
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
by SHWoff » Tue Jul 04, 2006 2:04 am
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What w need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.
OPRAH: Well Iunderstand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.
JUDGE JUDY: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that!
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:Isn't that interesting?In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of moltng, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together- in peace.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChickn. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&;^( C \..... reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What w need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.
OPRAH: Well Iunderstand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.
JUDGE JUDY: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that!
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:Isn't that interesting?In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of moltng, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together- in peace.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChickn. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&;^( C \..... reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in the boat and drink beer all day...
- americasidle
- Posts: 11
- Joined: Tue May 30, 2006 1:59 pm
- Location: USA
by americasidle » Wed Jul 05, 2006 9:18 am
hey i got a funny one:
americasidle
hahah funny huh?
americasidle
hahah funny huh?
America's Idle
- JimmyTango
-
- Posts: 1774
- Joined: Tue Nov 05, 2002 5:17 pm
- Location: Land of the Shemales.
by JimmyTango » Wed Jul 05, 2006 9:37 am
Originally posted by americasidle
hey i got a funny one:
americasidle
hahah all laugh, funny huh?
msb thought it was by banning and saying im cybering her daughter
die you slut!
You are a pathetic piece of shit.
As for your post in the been banned section; learn English you ignorant, inbred tool sack.
by Alofwar » Sat Jul 08, 2006 5:06 pm
A guy says to his Girlfriend "Why don't you come and sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up."
These guys are talking about the first time they masdebated and 1 guys say "I remember the first time I did it, it was a Massive cock up!"
These guys are talking about the first time they masdebated and 1 guys say "I remember the first time I did it, it was a Massive cock up!"
"Don't mention the war"
German Tourist: Will you stop mentioning the war
Basil: Well you started it
German tourist: No we didn't
Basil: Yes you did, you invaded Poland
German Tourist: Will you stop mentioning the war
Basil: Well you started it
German tourist: No we didn't
Basil: Yes you did, you invaded Poland
by Alofwar » Sun Jul 16, 2006 4:09 pm
A guy walks into a bar wearing nothing but clear clingfil, he goes up to the barman and say "Do you like my new clothes?" and the Barman says "Well, i can clearly see your nuts!!!"
"Don't mention the war"
German Tourist: Will you stop mentioning the war
Basil: Well you started it
German tourist: No we didn't
Basil: Yes you did, you invaded Poland
German Tourist: Will you stop mentioning the war
Basil: Well you started it
German tourist: No we didn't
Basil: Yes you did, you invaded Poland
by B » Sun Jul 16, 2006 8:38 pm
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma , Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are all gay.
6. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma , Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are all gay.
6. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday
by Alofwar » Mon Jul 17, 2006 3:53 am
You got one thing wrong their B, Terrorists love their Toyota pick ups!!! Not as Much as they love their goats
Although it is a foreign car, so they must hate them even more!!!
"Don't mention the war"
German Tourist: Will you stop mentioning the war
Basil: Well you started it
German tourist: No we didn't
Basil: Yes you did, you invaded Poland
German Tourist: Will you stop mentioning the war
Basil: Well you started it
German tourist: No we didn't
Basil: Yes you did, you invaded Poland
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