Mort's joke of the week

by **Sabres** » Fri Aug 18, 2006 1:48 pm

haha some of those would be extremely funny. some day when i am bored i'm gonna do the hairdryer and sunglasses thing.

by **Ldsmith104** » Sat Aug 19, 2006 12:26 am

I like the diet water, will have to try that. We don't have overhead paging so I am going to walk through my office and ask if anyone has seen me, and if they do to tell me I have a phone call...

by **Alofwar** » Mon Aug 21, 2006 12:14 pm

Saddam hussain has been sentanced to death by Fireing squad.
The executioner asks him "Do you have any last requests?"

Saddam - "Yes....can i choose who shots me?"

Executioner - "yes, you can"

Saddam - "I want Gerrard Lampard and Carragher from 12 yards"

by **Alofwar** » Mon Aug 21, 2006 12:22 pm

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are about to shot by firing squad in a field.

The Englishman yells "Earthquake" all the guards take cover and he gets away.

The Scotsman then yells "Volcano" Guards all take cover and he gets away.

The Irishman see's what the other 2 have done so he thinks he will try it, so he yells "FIRE".

by **||ASS||Mortimer** » Thu Aug 24, 2006 3:33 pm

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking
beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the
street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should
be hung!" I took a drink from my can of Bud Light, wiped the cold foam
from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses, stared directly in
to the eyes of this nosy neighbor, and then calmly replied, "I am.
That's why she cuts the grass."

by **Alofwar** » Sun Sep 03, 2006 3:57 pm

Its so hot, im sweating like a black man in an Alabama court room.

by **Ldsmith104** » Wed Sep 06, 2006 12:40 am

How To Avoid The Flu:

Eat right.

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of
the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of
antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor's approach. Think about it...

When you go for a shot, what do they do first?

They Clean your arm with alcohol...

Why?

Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.

So.......

I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)

I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)

Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)

Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)

Then pass out. (rest)

The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!

My grandmother always said,

"A shot in the glass
is better than one in the ass!"

Live Well - Laugh Often - Love Much

by **||ASS||Mortimer** » Wed Sep 06, 2006 7:39 pm

This is pretty funny...

CLICK
:rotflmao:

by **Ldsmith104** » Wed Sep 06, 2006 11:22 pm

I'm calling my doctor tomorrow!!!

by **Ldsmith104** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 12:08 pm

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl
to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he
helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was
asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor
was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked
him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just
witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in
there in the first place......smack his ass again!"

by **Alofwar** » Mon Sep 18, 2006 12:56 pm

Tony Blair, A muslim and George W Bush are in a room.

Tony Blair says "That Star Wars film the other night was good"

The Muslim says "Yes, but there were no Muslims in it"

George Bush says "Thats because its set in the future"

by **Alofwar** » Mon Sep 18, 2006 4:40 pm

After his quote about Islam, the Pope has refused to have a bodyguard as he does not believe in using protection.

by **Sabres** » Tue Sep 19, 2006 12:07 pm

Originally posted by Alofwar
Tony Blair, A muslim and George W Bush are in a room.

Tony Blair says "That Star Wars film the other night was good"

The Muslim says "Yes, but there were no Muslims in it"

George Bush says "Thats because its set in the future"

hahaha

by **Alofwar** » Thu Sep 28, 2006 4:56 pm

2 blondes walk into a building.

You would have thought one of them would have seen it.

by **Sabres** » Thu Sep 28, 2006 9:15 pm

so simple, yet so funny :lol:

Mort's joke of the week

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